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Reverb prompt: This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
I need to be physically active to feel like a cohesive me. This summer, P got me a Groupon gift for one month of free hot yoga. For the month of September, I decided to go every day. I ended up having to miss a few days, but it was a awesome month. All the sweat, the stretching, the exertion – oh, I felt great.
September seems very far away now.
Collage by Valero Doval.
Reverb prompt: Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
Our softball team has been a great source of community for us for the past couple of years. P and I joined the team in 2009. Our team is made up of people we’d be friends with anyway, but having a weekly date really helps solidify relationships. Especially when the weekly date involves being outside, physical, and a little bit competitive. And beer!
Even though I won’t be able to play next year, I still hope to be part of our beloved softball community. A community that I may want to become part of in 2011 is one of office sharing. (Here’s an example.) I’m in the process of making some career decisions. If I decide to focus more fully on my freelance business, I need to do it in a way that gets me out of the house more often.
The Reverb prompt that I want to respond to today is: What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
Pregnancy has forced me to let go of a lot. My lack of energy has meant that I feel up for fewer things and get less done each day. While this letting go is temporary (I hope), it’s been hard. And I think I’ve made it harder than it needs to be. Lots of people have told me how they loved being pregnant. I’m sad to report that I have yet to even kind of like being pregnant. I always imagined that I would love it, and it’s a bit crushing not to find love where you expect to find it. I know I’m still early on and that there’s still lots of time for me to enjoy pregnancy (especially since I’m out of the dreaded first trimester now). But I think that these pregnancy lovers may have better at embracing pregnancy than I have been.
I get tired at 8:00 or 9:00 at night now, and, instead of thinking of this as a unique time in my life when I can enjoy the opportunity to snuggle up early, I’ve made it into a nightly battle. I tell myself that I’m being lazy and that I must fight it. Almost every night, the tiredness wins, but I never let myself feel good about it. Part of this urge to battle comes from the fact that I’m a depressive person, and, for me, depression presents itself as very low energy. I’m just used to fighting the dreaded low energy. But what I’m experiencing now is different. It’s real tiredness. I’m working on letting go of the inner battle.
Today’s Reverb prompt: How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
Plants! They amaze me – looking at them, touching them, knowing about them. One of my two careers is that of working at a nursery. I’m obsessive about taking home the half dead plants that we would otherwise throw away. We have lots of plants at our house, many half dead, but all amazing.
Grass and oak.
Oops – missed the second day of writing every day for a month. Today’s Reverb prompt: Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
One of the moments when I felt most alive this year was at the wedding celebration of our friends Alexis and Levi. It was a camp out kind of celebration. The light was beautiful on this crisp September evening. We had just set up our tents and gone swimming. P and I decided to go for a walk in the glowing prairie grass. The grass was chest-high, and the ground was uneven; it was the kind of walking where your arms are both held high to help you keep your balance and avoid obstacles. We gravitated towards a big oak tree. Once there, we sat on a log and looked back to see our red, green, and blue tents scattered atop a rolling hill. I felt clean and fresh from our recent swim, and I could smell that people were starting a campfire. All seemed promising in the golden light.
Kumquats in our kitchen.
It’s been a while. The past couple of months have been tough for me (more on this later), but I’m hoping to be back big time starting today. I’m participating in Reverb 10, an exercise in reflection and manifestation. You should do it too, whether by blog or personal journal or twitter or in your head. I hope to blog most days this month. We’ll see how it goes.
The first Reverb prompt is, Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
Beginnings. That’s my word for 2010. In January, P and I moved into our first home. It’s been our first full year married. The year was full of weddings, including those of two of my dearest friends. And we found out that we’re pregnant! (Pregnancy has not been easy so far. I’ll probably write more about this as the month goes on.)
The baby is due in June – smack dab in the middle of the year. For 2011, I choose enveloping as my word, as in enveloping this new being into our lives. I fear that my life will be taken over by the baby, by toys and drool and Cheerios. When I think of the baby, I don’t think of a precious being that I want to cherish and dedicate my life to. Not at all. And I feel bad and nervous about this. When I think of the baby, I think of an awesome little partner in adventure. I think of a fellow trooper to join Patrick, the dogs, and me in this crazy life. And I want that to be enough.