firework studies

From Pierre le Hors’ book, Firework Studies.

For most of pregnancy, I’ve felt like I’d never be quite ready for the baby to come out, never quite ready to deal with a baby that I’d have to carry in my arms rather than in my belly. This feeling has changed recently, though. I’m ready! And it feels good! In a week and a half, I’ll be considered full term. Here’s why I think I’m feeling good about baby go time:

I’m tired of being pregnant. Being unable to touch the floor, having aching legs at night, monitoring my blood sugar four times a day – I’m ready to be done with all of these things.

Labor! I’m actually excited about it. I feel excited the way I’ve felt excited about other physical challenges I’ve undertaken, like running races and hiking up big mountains. Bring it!!! Of course, I’m nervous too. Last week, I was in the hospital because I developed an infection. (All is fine now.) The midwife was doing some inspecting that required a speculum, and it really hurt, enough to make me cry. The midwife said it was so painful because the baby is resting in a especially low position. The midwife was wonderfully supportive, but the nurse just looked at me and said, It’s not going to get any easier, honey. It annoys me how that one comment was able to put a real dent in the confidence I’d been feeling about my ability to tolerate labor. Enough about that, though. Overall, I feel very eager to experience this natural and primal process.

I’m excited to take a break from work. I’m also excited to resume work – I have some career changes in mind that I’m eager to pursue. I’ve been feeling stagnant in my work life for a while now, and I plan on taking the birth of this little peppadew as an excuse to stop what I’m doing now, regroup, and start fresh.

The baby is not one of the things I’m excited about. It’s hard to admit this, hard to write it here for you to see. It might be that welcoming a new member into our family is such an unknown experience to me that I can’t even imagine it well enough to get excited about it. Also, when I think excitedly about having new partners in crime in our family, I always imagine them to be older than infants. I’ve never had an affinity towards infants. They’ve always made me a feel nervous, bored, and even a little grossed out. I believe that I’ll feel differently about my own infant; I’m just not used to thinking of them in an delighted way.

I’m so glad to have a partner like P. I can’t imagine dealing with all the fears and anticipation without the partnership of someone that I’m 100 percent sure is going to be an enthusiastic, loving parent. Thank you, Patrick.

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