trees in the fog

Photo by Kim Holtermand (via Ffffound!).

The Reverb prompt that I want to respond to today is: What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Pregnancy has forced me to let go of a lot. My lack of energy has meant that I feel up for fewer things and get less done each day. While this letting go is temporary (I hope), it’s been hard. And I think I’ve made it harder than it needs to be. Lots of people have told me how they loved being pregnant. I’m sad to report that I have yet to even kind of like being pregnant. I always imagined that I would love it, and it’s a bit crushing not to find love where you expect to find it. I know I’m still early on and that there’s still lots of time for me to enjoy pregnancy (especially since I’m out of the dreaded first trimester now). But I think that these pregnancy lovers may have better at embracing pregnancy than I have been.

I get tired at 8:00 or 9:00 at night now, and, instead of thinking of this as a unique time in my life when I can enjoy the opportunity to snuggle up early, I’ve made it into a nightly battle. I tell myself that I’m being lazy and that I must fight it. Almost every night, the tiredness wins, but I never let myself feel good about it. Part of this urge to battle comes from the fact that I’m a depressive person, and, for me, depression presents itself as very low energy. I’m just used to fighting the dreaded low energy. But what I’m experiencing now is different. It’s real tiredness. I’m working on letting go of the inner battle.

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